I Got It From My Mama

I think I look a lot like my mum in this picture, especially my cheeks. Pity I didn't inherit her complexion and good skin.

Headspace

Which would I rather believe: that you've always been like this or that you've completely changed?

Mind Games

"Memory can change the shape of a room;
it can change the color of a car.
And memories can be distorted.
They're just an interpretation, they're not a record,
and they're irrelevant if you have the facts."

- Leonard Shelby in Memento

My imagination is exactly what I've never been as a person: wild and free with a finger up at boundaries. My dreams are so vivid that I sometimes need to concentrate to recognise reality.

I have been having trouble remembering my own experiences. I don't know how to describe it in a way that you would understand if you have never experienced it youself but I'll try anyway.

If someone asked me a question about high school, for example, I would be able to answer it, but I see my answer in words in my mind. It is as if I am regurgitating a story or paragraph that I've read in a book. I don't see my memories in pictures. I don't see myself walking along the empty corridors or sitting on the grass. If I really wanted to, I suppose I could, but it's not easy and the memories are fleeting, even if I struggle to hold on to them.

I can even clearly describe how I felt in certain situations I've faced, but again, I don't feel it. I would be able to tell you I was scared, deliriously happy, or heartbroken, but again, it's a description, like if I were to tell you the taste and texture of some food I've eaten. I don't actually remember how I felt those emotions, if that makes sense at all.

This is something that I've noticed about myself only in the recent few years. It's almost as if I've gotten so used to blocking out memories and hiding them in the deep recesses of my mind that I can't find them even when I seek them.

And when I do find them, they feel so foreign and disconnected from me that I wonder if they actually happened at all or were only a figment of my imagination. To go in search of something that refuses to be found is frustrating, but much less than not knowing what it is you're seeking.

Turn Down the Emo

Stop, please.
Who are you to call me heartless,
for not giving you my heart
when I never wanted yours?

I can't stop you, true.
But if you insist on giving,
then have no expectations.

All is lost on me.
All I said was hello.

Lone Wolf

Lately, I've been walking a lot more. Sometimes with friends but mostly alone. On these solitary walks with The xx playing on my headphones, the world would suddenly seem so much more peaceful and beautiful. It is really quite a weird feeling, to feel so calm and at ease with life and everything that comes with it.

I looked at the cloudless sky tonight, lit up by the brightest of full moons, and I wondered who else noticed it.

Party in Mel's Pants

Smellyboo gave me these jeans before she left but it was really tight so I put it aside and forgot about it. Found it two weeks ago; it fits! Love it!

Secrets of the Sea

One of the things I'd love to do in this lifetime is to dive and see whales in the ocean. I've always adored these magnificent creatures.

Actually, I'd also love to explore the depths of the ocean. I think they do have deep-sea tourism now. If you had some spare change, you could even go to the moon or buy a star. It really says something about human nature; to sell and own even what isn't ours to begin with.

Just a random thought.

Windows to the Soul

I've been playing with one of my new apps (behold the App Queen!) and I tried on a new eye color. It's a little scary but so cool!

Also, I found an app that would let me blog from my phone. So, internets, prepare to be treated to a higher dose of my awesomeness.

The Audreys - Small Things

One of my favourite songs ever. Poetically beautiful lyrics and the melody is just right. It's the kind of song that can feel sad or hopeful depending on the day you've had.



if there’s one thing that I’ve noticed
out of all the things I’ve seen
it’s that you can leave a footprint
in a place you’ve never been
and there’s barely time to look around
before you have to leave
and a mark upon the skin
is not enough to make you bleed

if there’s one thing that I’m keeping
out of all the things I’ve found
it’s that the best way to be heard sometimes
is not to make a sound
and the things we want the most
fetch not a penny nor a pound
and all it takes to find your feet
is just to stand your ground

if there’s one thing that I’m sure of
out of all the things I know
it’s that you can keep on going fast
I’ll still be going slow
and falling’s not that hard
when you’re starting out so low
and drowning’s not that bad
if you breathe and just let go
breathe and just let go…

(the wasted and the used things
the broken and abused things
all these small things
the treasured and the sacred things
the lost and the forsaken things
all these small things)

(Lyrics source: theaudreys.com.au)

Your Mouth is Bigger than Your Mind

My friend posted the following 9gag joke on my Facebook wall:

It's pretty funny and I can see the humour. But what surprised me was some of the comments of my other friends. They were ruthlessly mocking astrology, saying that it 'makes humans look like asses' and whatnot.

First of all, obviously the 9gag joke is an exaggeration; I would not actually dump someone over incompatible zodiacs. I am interested in astrology and I won't deny that. I don't lead my life based on it but I am full of curiosity for most disciplines or fields that offer insight to the nature vs. nurture debate. That's just me though; I like knowing.

Most of my friends that mocked astrology are religious. So you can believe in scientifically-unproven stuff but I can't? You can believe that men can turn water into wine and part the sea or that virgins can have a baby, but I can't believe that the time of our births affects our personality to a certain extent? I have always had enough respect for others to refrain from commenting about religion, because I know that I do not know enough about it. What's up with the holier-than-thou attitude yo?

Do you know enough about astrology to say what you say? You say it's inaccurate and a bunch of crap. You're entitled to your opinion but make sure that your opinion is not formed based on ignorance. I think what you know of astrology is limited to newspaper daily horoscopes or like commercialized zodiac personality traits, which I don't believe in either.

People don't just fall into the 12 signs. Surely, logic dictates that such complex beings as ourselves would not just fall into categories. True astrology doesn't claim to tell the future or have all the answers. Just as true religion is not about others but the spiritual self.

And you know, when you talk like that, you're not changing my mind about the subject, you're changing my mind about you.

So today, my community service message is: judge not lest ye be judged.

Feelin' the Love

After reading my latest poem, my brother declared that it was 'nice', 'simple and nice', and 'good stuff', adding that he wanted to share it on Facebook.

Obviously, I was very flattered and told him, "This is the first time you praised my writing!"

His reply: "I've always praised your writing. It was your face I insulted."



Then as an afterthought: "And then people said I look like you."

Prayers

I'll pray and pray, till the pain goes away,
I'll pray and pray, till I'm finally okay,
I'll pray and pray, till I make sense of this,
I'll pray and pray, till I find lasting bliss.

I'll pray and pray, you'll find your smile again,
I'll pray and pray, you can wash off my stain,
I'll pray and pray, you would have what you need,
I'll pray and pray, you'll forget how to bleed.

I'll pray and pray, we could undo before,
I'll pray and pray, we won't drown on the shore,
I'll pray and pray, we hold strength in our souls,
I'll pray and pray, we'll bind two halves to our wholes.

I'll pray and pray, that broken hearts can unbreak,
I'll pray and pray, that life will no longer ache,
I'll pray and pray, that there is a light at the end,
I'll pray and pray, that I'll still have a friend.

I'll pray and pray, for my answers to come,
I'll pray and pray, for eternity and then some,
I'll pray and pray, for what was and will be,
I'll pray and pray, for you and for me.

Tales of My Childhood: I Thought I Was Normal Until I Realized I Wasn't

When I was little, I used to have imaginary conversations with cute foods. Hardboiled eggs were my favourite. Dinosaur nuggets. Alphabet soup. Sometimes I invented a story of how they got in my bowl. Sometimes I apologized to them for having no other choice but to eat them (sejak kecik pun dah drama mama nih). Sometimes I pretended I was a really ill princess and someone brought me some magic food which would heal me. I know, I was a fun-sized pack of awesome.

I used to have some really obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I needed my books to be arranged in a certain order and my stationery to be organized in a very specific way that made sense only to me. I'd walk only within tiles if I were in a mall (I tried to do that on the marble floor at home too but it was too difficult to keep up). I'd need to do certain things three times, like when sharpening my pencils and pressing the pump on the shower gel.

I watched Titanic like 50 times; I kid you not. I even had an exercise book filled with random facts about the Titanic, newspaper cut-outs, and some award-winningly bad Titanic-themed 'artwork'. I actually thought it was a true story, which leads us to...

When I was young, I didn't understand the concept of film and acting. I thought that movies were made when someone with a camera happened to be in the right place at the right time or when he follows someone around over some time. So imagine my fury when animals or people die in shows. I would be raging, "Why did the cameraman just stand by and not help? Why did he just let them die? Oh my God!" Yeah, I was not the brightest kid on the block.

Speaking of which, I was quite the hypochondriac. At about 12 years old, I discovered a medical manual for households and read it cover-to-cover. I was convinced I had tinnitus, OCD, and a range of other maladies, however rare and unlikely ("People of African descent are more predisposed to it? I must have it!"). Thank goodness I grew out of that, there are already too many things on my plate, what with my self-diagnosed PTSD, anemia, hearing loss, and all, hehehe.

I taught myself how to whistle because my brother learned how to do it and I was so jealous. I kept trying until I could do it and now I am much better at whistling than him. In fact, probably better than most people at it. *smug*

I have always been quite talented at making cartoon/baby voices. I had three Cabbage Patch babies and I created different voices and characters for them when I played.

As a kid, I was taught to play Chinese chess and I actually quite enjoy it. For the longest time, I did not know how to play chess and only knew Chinese chess. I don't even know how to read the characters but I play from vague memory of their positions and what they look like. On that note, we didn't have many card games or board games at home (apart from Scrabble, which no one ever wants to play with me anyway) so I didn't really know how to play most games. Primary school was heaps of fun though. We'd battle with our erasers, play the alphabet game, hangman, and conquer (remember the one with the math exercise books and dots?). My best friend and I even made cooking utensils with tin foil for our little figurines to masak-masak eraser dust. I did a lot of exploring, bug-catching, and ghost-hunting back then.

I've always known Santa did not exist, because my parents were too cheap to buy me Christmas presents. Boo. One year, they bought me the collection of five stories I really wanted and I lent them to this girl who wrote numbers all over my pages in the worst handwriting ever. I think I died a little inside that day, because...

Remember my OCD? Yeah, that. I used to have a huge problem with opening books wide enough for the spine to have lines. People that dog-ear pages? Rage! But as soon the book was ruined (i.e. had the tiniest imperfection), I stopped being anal about protecting it. Needless to say, I was the most popular kid in class.

I used to sleep without a blankie. Then, my parents let me watch The Blob, The Fly, It the Clown, and Predator. My mum was also the one who took me to watch Sixth Sense at the cinema. Parents of the Year again. I was scared, but it was Michael Jackson's Thriller video that made me decide I needed a blanket every night... for protection, you know. That is also the reason why I need a zombie-protection pillow above my head if there is a small open gap between the bed and wall.

My dad bought this stereo system many years ago. It had a karaoke function as well. We had these kids' karaoke sing-a-long laser discs (remember those?!) and there was this song that went: "Fly birdie, fly, up, up to the sky." Must've been heaps of joy to be my neighbours back then.

Tissues for Sniffle Issues

That day, while buying tissues, I realized I am a marketer's dream. I am the sort of person that would pay more, for instance, to get a box of tissues with a Winnie the Pooh design instead of cheaper, uglier alternatives. Of course, that is not to say I am as superficial as to disregard a product of merit simply due to the design of the packaging but if given a choice between two exact same products in different packaging, I would probably go for the one in the packaging I find more attractive, even if it might cost a bit more.

At risk of contradicting myself, there is a limit to how much extra I am willing to pay in order to have the more aesthetically-pleasing product. I would also not tolerate a crappy product no matter how good it looks. It probably boils down to perceived value.

And right now, my perception is that this limited edition fun pack deserves limited edition fun pack tissues :D

The Way We Izzz

So we were talking about language the other day, my brother and I. Italian, to be specific. I told him that Italian can get pretty confusing because they have different words for different genders (e.g. la bambina for baby girl and la bambino for baby boy).

"But it doesn't apply to all words, which is where it gets confusing. 'Panini' for instance is neither masculine nor feminine and is just 'panini', whichever gender uses it," I told him.

"Nope," the Adopted One said, "Panini is masculine. PUNANI is feminine."

Ba-dum-bsssh.