Things Your Mama Should Have Told You

I know it is extremely presumptuous on my part that any of you might need dating advice from me. I admit, it is also bordering on arrogance to believe that at 20, I have enough dating experience to write about it.

But these are just some things that I have either observed from other people's experiences or had to learn it myself. If I were doing something to drive my potential McDreamy away, I'd at least like to get a heads-up, you know what I mean? So instead of learning the hard way, those of you reading can just draw on the dating disasters of the less fortunate.

Since there are so many things that could go wrong (and things that could go wrong usually would go wrong as the universe's way of saying "Bite me!"), I would not limit dating advice to just this entry.

Over time, I would eventually compile the greatest dating manual known to mankind which would be studied by generations of scholars to come in a thinly-veiled attempt to understand my genius psyche (Dating Rule #1: Maybe it's not such a good idea to talk about world domination on a first date. Or you know...any date).

Let's start with the boys. You meet this great girl. She's perfect for you. Should you ask her out? What if she rejects you? What if it ruins the great friendship you have? Sorry, too late, goodbye. See, within the 5 minutes that it took you to ponder those questions, someone else has already asked her out, and she has enthusiastically accepted. Game over, dude.

If you think it could work out with someone, work up the courage to ask her out. So what if she says no? What's the worst thing that could happen? Your ego gets bruised but it can't be worse than the time your mum caught you in front of the PC *cough* being romantic with yourself.

At the risk of reversing the entire feminist movement and centuries of bra-burning, it is a lot easier for guys to ask a girl out than a girl to ask a guy out. If you don't make a move, we'd just assume you're not interested and focus on those who do express their interest. Anyone who has read "He's Just Not That Into You" would know what I mean (though it's interesting to note: Is it really true that if a guy doesn't ask you out, he's not that into you? Or do we come to have that expectation/belief BECAUSE of the propaganda in the book? Cause or effect, cause or effect?!?!).

That leaves another issue: what are you going to do when you do go out? Movie? Dinner? Ice-skating? The respective answers are maybe, maybe and NEVER EVER EVER IN THE NAME OF SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, in case you were interested. This decision really depends on individual preference, but the key point is to use your strengths to your advantage.

If you are a charming speaker with lots of cute anecdotes to make her laugh, go to a quiet restaurant for a meal, where you can sit and talk for hours (please do not talk while you're chewing). If you are really shy and nervous around her, go for a good movie so that you won't have to talk too much but still enjoy each other's company until you get used to being with her. Try not to go for a serious movie because you would find that a light-hearted comedy would break the ice so that you would feel more comfortable in her presence. Some people (like myself) would prefer something more adventurous and different, so use your creativity and surprise them. Even if the relationship doesn't work out, you can be sure that she'd remember your date for a long time to come.

Girls, if you like him and he asks you out, don't play hard to get and turn him down repeatedly. If he doesn't ask again, you only have yourself to blame. There is a limit to being coy. If you already have plans, what you can do is tell him you won't be available at that time but you'd love to see him on, say, Friday (it's important to be specific, because if you say 'I'll meet you some other time', it sounds like a brush-off). Give him positive signals, like smiling when he's talking to you. It's already unnerving for most guys to ask a girl out; don't make it any harder than it should be.

On the day of the date itself, try to organize your activities and plan your time wisely. You don't want to end up in a mad rush for your date and show up looking like you spend your free time positioning yourself on railway tracks waiting for trains to run you over. As a gentle reminder, being in a rush might result in perspiration and perspiration might result in body odour. So make your choice: plan in advance so you can stroll in with a whiff of Armani Black Code or run in with sweat stains on your T-shirt. Plan what to wear in advance so it would be washed and dried on time. And brush your teeth. Seriously. The little details matter.

Guys, if you have a car, it's a courtesy to pick her up from her house. With the current crime rate, it's safer for her too. Get clear directions so that you do not end up arriving an hour late. DO NOT HONK AT HER GATE. That would immediately land you in the region of negative five billion if we're working on a point system. It makes you come across as being impatient and rude. Would it kill you to park by the side and wait for her? If it takes her forever to get ready, it's only because she wants to look her best for you.

Opening the car door for her is not necessary but it would earn you a lot of bonus points if you do. Trent and Chris (and a few others with whom I've lost contact), if you're reading this, I still remember. Do not confuse this with holding the door open for her, because that is necessary. I've dated guys who just open the doors and walk in ahead, with the door closing in my face. Charming. Simply irresistible.

I'll end it here because it might be a bit too much for some people to absorb (the real reason being that Desperate Housewives is coming on soon and I need my dose of dysfunctional relationships). Happy dating!