Birds of A Feather Flock Together

These conversation excerpts speak for themselves:



Loga: I will ask my boyfriend to pose as a generator to spy on you!

The word she was looking for is 'janitor'.



Loga: Tattoos look sexy when you're having sex.



Xing: [written in a formal e-mail] ...my primary concern is sepaking in public.

The word was supposed to be 'speaking'. 'Sepaking' means kicking in Malay. And yes, I sent that out to actual people. This is why you should always spell-check.



Xing: Tasha, where did you stick Allen Chan? Tasha, it's not funny, where is Allen Chan?! Don't be such an Allen Chan! Where is he? Where did you stick him? Is he on my back?

Allen Chan was in fact attached to my poor purse. And when I took it out to pay for my bottles of water, I snorted loudly. In public. While exposing a purse with an Allen Chan on it. Oh, Lordy.



Tasha: What if he says, "Hi, my name is Stewart and I'm your steward"? *while teaching emergency flight safety procedures complete with hand gestures*

This is not funny but Tasha insists it's hilarious. Now, for some REAL funny:



Ms Stella: Yes, Lo-kah-shini?
Loga: No, no.

Please Forward This E-mail to Save My Life

I always get forwarded e-mails like this, and this, and that. For the extremely lazy, they all mostly sound like this:

"I am James Harding because all white Caucasian males have names like that and no one would forward this is my name is Casanova Yebuchevik. I am 10 years old (I'm not even old enough to smoke/drink/have sex so you should really be sympathetic) and I have terminal cancer. The only way to save me is not by consulting a good doctor or even trying to raise actual funds, but by wasting precious time trying to get 15 cents for each person to whom this e-mail is forwarded. Isn't that exciting? That way, I can die waiting to collect enough money to fund whatever operation I desperately need. This is the best idea ever!"

Seriously, I can't believe that in this day and age, people can still forward these e-mails thinking it's true and that it will help people. I know most people do it out of the kindness but because of e-mails like these and people who forward them, time, energy and resources are being wasted.

Therefore, instead of doing something good, you're actually causing more harm, both to the economy (think of all the employees who take 5 minutes during office hours to forward these e-mails) and the environment (the more electricy is used, the more electricity needs to be generated; you do the math).

It's not that difficult to Google search keywords to research something instead of blindly believing it. That's not too much to ask, isn't it? For the sake of debate, some might say that people who Google it would also waste time, energy and resources, so you might as well just forward it, right? WRONG. If you Google it, the e-mail chain ends with you. If you forward it, the e-mail will live on!

I open e-mails thinking it's something important or at the very least, something that is worth my time but when I read these e-mails, it just adds to my list of why I need anger management.

Before you forward an e-mail to me, it is important to ask yourself: is this e-mail dumb enough to incur the wrath of O Magnificent One? Because I'm perfectly capable of murdering you in your sleep. I'll print out a stack of these forwarded e-mails on my college account (I have 516 pages, mind you) and give you enough paper cuts for you to bleed to death. I am cruelly ironic that way.

So stop sending me these 'charity' e-mails. I only respond to e-mails from ex-African princes living in exile who want to transfer a large sum of money to my bank account and let me keep 30 percent of their $50 million fortune.

Yes, I Should Update

Some of you have been asking me why I haven't been posting and I regret to inform you that this writer's blog will not be updated due to an acute case of Writer's Block. I have some material to work with, such as the most horrible movie of all time. But instead of writing something half-assed, I'd prefer to wait until I feel the urge that kicks me into gear.

I'm sorry for any lack of sleep my readers have suffered from constantly refreshing my page, desperate to know that I am in fact alive and I will continue to fill your lives with awesomeness.

Okay, enough with the droning. I'll end this post with another website almost as worthy of cyberspace as my blog: Chuck Norris Facts.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris?

Oh, man!

Kristine's 21st Birthday Dinner

There are many pictures that feature Kristine's family members but in the interest of their privacy, I will not publish them on my blog. These are some photos of the two of us (see if you can spot my trademark smirk; winner gets a mosqy):







P/S: The last picture has been edited to live up to Ms Kristine Yeo's expectations.

Mosqies

When I say 'mosqies', it makes mosquitoes actually sound quite cute, but that could not be further from the truth. In reality, they are violent bloodsuckers and disease-spreading vermin with no purpose for existence (anyone who tries to opine otherwise will be permanently blacklisted and be beheaded at my coronation as King of the World).

I was at a pool party the other night and about 15 minutes after sitting down to eat, this happened:




The pictures do my injury no justice; it looks a lot worse in real life. If you don't hate mosqies on principle by now, I can't help you. They have scarred me for life; I am no longer amazingly perfect. Still perfect, just less perfect.

Let's see your can of Sheltox, people! Hold 'em high, hold 'em proud!

DIE, MOSQIES, DIE!!!

Kill a mosqy today so you can avoid being bitten tomorrow.

This community service message was brought to you by Xingyi the Mosquito Hater.

Absense Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I know I've been missing in action for some time now. Anyway, here's a brief update of what I've been up to lately:

Friday
After the Corporate Finance paper, I desperately wanted to go out and have some fun despite sleep deprivation for several continuous nights. So D picked me up in his gorgeous beauty of a car and took me for a spin in Kuala Lumpur. I finally know what people mean when they say 'riding in style'. I will not divulge the model for privacy purposes as I was told it is the only unit left in Malaysia that hasn't been damaged in car crashes. But suffice to say the doors open upwards, not outwards, and the windows curve to form a 'roof' of glass. O Beautiful One, I am not worthy in your presence.

Saturday
Disturbingly, two of my best friends Rajiekins and The Muazness met for the first time in One Utama and united in their mutual hobby of destroying any shred of self-esteem I have left. Meh, they don't deserve glamourous el hippy hoppo names so Raj and Muaz it is. We had dinner at Secret Recipe after a competition to see who can say "So where do you want to have dinner?" the most times. I also discovered that my eye-to-hand co-ordination might not be beyond help like I had initially assumed. I was actually pretty decent at Foosball (well, compared to those two anyway). Muaz spent RM3 to get a handful of stupid candy from some arcade Candyland-style machine, which I ended up giving to some kids. We watched Death Sentence, the worst movie with which I've had the misfortune to torment my eyes. I'll save that for another post because surely a movie THAT bad deserves its very own entry?

Sunday
I was supposed to watch a cartoon but I got delayed because I had to tidy up my room (well...attempt to tidy up my room). So Muaz picked me up from my house and drove to Mid Valley in the heavy rain. I was brave in the face of a painful death (despite the reassurance Muaz provided by informing me that there aren't any airbags in his car). I went to Pets Wonderland and refused to leave, as usual. Muaz had to resort to dragging me out by my bag. Then, in retaliation, he went to the guitar shop and threatened to stare at each guitar for 10 minutes. We had good Italian food for dinner (which Muaz claimed was good enough to make him cry). Then we somehow found our way back to the pet store (I think it had more to do with me than Muaz that the winds of fate blew us in that direction). He timed me on his cell phone stopwatch to make sure I only got to stay for 10 minutes and 45 seconds.

Monday
It was Kristine's birthday and she invited me to join her extended family for dinner, then sleep over at her house. Now, you need to know why my first reaction was "Forget it!":

1) Her dog Jessy gets over-excited and tries to jump on me as well as put her face in the strategic location in between my legs. If ever you lose your crotch somewhere, Jessy is the perfect dog to help you find it. Also, I get the creepy suspicion that Jessy would chew my face off the minute I fall asleep.

2) Her house is right next to a cemetary and her family enjoys 'entertaining' me with stories of their ghostly encounters, using choice phrases to enhance the experience such as 'Those things can fly through walls' and 'black out'.

Since it was her birthday, I had to overcome my fears (of crotch-sniffin' dogs and perverted adolescent ghosts in the toilet). It was a wonderful dinner at Noble House on Jalan Imbi. Pictures coming up, if I can get my hands on some of them. I slept at about 3 a.m. with Jessy sleeping in between my legs (dogs can be really heavy when they choose to be) and woke up at 6 a.m. to reach college in time for the morning lectures.

Tuesday
In the morning, Kristine's toilet light suddenly decided to stop working. Perfect timing. I spent the better part of the morning trying to stay awake in class. Then, Loga, Tasha and I took Muaz's car to go to Taman Tun Dr. Ismail to look for Paandi. Several wrong turns, a pissed-off boyfriend, psychotic waving at random cab drivers and a stop at the police station later, we found the place, which serves really yummy banana leaf rice. We ate until we almost couldn't walk, then decided to take a spontaneous trip to my house, before returning to college for the other lectures. I managed to get Muaz to give my brother and I a ride home from college as I didn't drive to college. Then, I asked him if he could send Tasha too (whom I normally drop off at the LRT station). After that, Loga wanted to come along too. She also asked if Muaz could drop Sathen off at his car because it was raining. So poor Muaz had to take Xing+Xing's bro+Tasha+Loga+Sathen.

I think it's obvious why I'm really exhausted now. If I don't get some sleep soon, I might lose my ability to be perfect. And we can't put the world at risk of such an atrocity, can we?

Yes. No. Maybe. I Don't Know.

He has been calling.

He has been asking.

The dilemma is not one of the heart but one of the brain.

Logic, not love.

Technically, you're allowed to do stupid things when you're young, right?

And I'd be riding in style!

Okay, I know all my friends disapprove.

But...he can be nice.

Oh, who am I kidding?

He is a jerk, even to me sometimes.

Maybe the one who is best friends with "Jackson a.k.a. Chun Wai" is the right choice.

I mean, GQ and FHM; meh, it's just a matter of technicality and using the wrong terms right?

People suck.