Let's Make It Official

As some of you already know, I have decided to name my car Stella Stell La Magnifique. It was either that or Princess Pikachu, so I think I made the right choice, oui?

I have been miserably car-less for a week now because some buttcake was being careless. He hit my car while my brother was driving it and my bro hit a tree when he lost control. Bloody hell.

I shall not elaborate, lest I rupture a blood vessel. But most of you already know the story anyway, seeing as my brother has been going around promoting himself like he's the Terminator locked in a dramatic car chase scene, spun out of control, jumped out of the car unscathed and kung-fu-kicked the tree down.

The moral of the story: Never lend your brother your car. No matter whose fault it is, YOU will be the one waking up 3 hours earlier and going back 3 hours later to hitch a ride.

One Utama, Need An Ambassador?

Today marks the 5th day in a row I was in One Utama. This is a personal best for me; Olympics pffft, move over Lee Chong Wei. I deserve some kind of edible chocolate medal for this.

But I digress.

Saturday

I went to One Utama with Muaz to get some materials to make Tasha's birthday present (more on that later). I was in the midst of trying to decide whether to get a small pot or the silver Memory Lane box but Muaz kept bugging me, so I lost focus and had to start my deciding process from scratch:

Hmmm.

Pot. Pretty.

Box. Pretty.

Pot. Pink. Sweet.

Box. Silver. Shiny. Oooh, shiny. Hm, Loga is Shini.

Pot? Yes.

Box? Yes.

Maybe I can get both. Tasha might need the box in case the pot breaks.

Pot. Hm.

Muaz interrupts with: "Get the box, it's cheaper."

Concerned, I ventured foolishly, "Do you think it'd go with my colour scheme?"

Muaz, insensitively roars, "YOU HAVE A COLOUR SCHEME FOR A BIRTHDAY PRESENT?! WHY DO YOU NEED A FREAKIN' COLOUR SCHEME?!"

I finally decided on the box. Then, we went to get 'nasi lemak' (probably the only Malaysian thing he likes). He wanted new shoes too but didn't end up getting any because apparently they're "gay". Our friend still hasn't learnt his lesson from the Russell hairstylist.

Sunday

I took Raj to One Utama and I was supposed to give him a makeover. Unfortunately, Raj is the most difficult and stubborn human being I've ever met with no regard whatsoever for my opinions. He apparently doesn't like brands, logos, fitting clothes and colours (but I think it's just a conspiracy to majorly piss me off). He prefers wearing tents as clothes and jeans made popular by rap video clips back in the '90s. Plus, he kept gravitating towards the EXACT SAME t-shirts as the ones I had specifically told him to burn.

Before we left, we had Häagen Dazs® ice-cream. I told Raj the flavour I picked tasted like clown ass and he gave me a look LIKE I WAS THE CRAZY TENT-WEARING, BRAND-HATING ONE.

He actually looked hot when he tried on some of the things I told (forced) him to try. But try to understand my fury when:

"I don't like this shirt. Can see my nipples."

"Cannot-lah."

"Can." *uses fingers to encircle his nipples*

Oh. My. God. I almost choked him to death with the nipple-revealing shirt.

We ended up buying him two t-shirts without any limbs or lives being lost. It really isn't easy being a fashion consultant. Or Anti-Nipple Boy's best friend.

Monday

After classes, I sent Tasha to the LRT station and picked Brandon. Tasha thinks Brandon is cute, like a puppy. Run, Brandon, run! If you recall, Tasha is the same person who said David Archuleta looks like a puppy and "I just want to strangle him". Yes, puppy=strangle in Tashaland. I really don't know where I find these ridiculous people I allow to be my friends, haha.

We went to have sushi for lunch at Sakae Sushi, where I totally embarrassed myself with the stupid hot water tap. Yummy sushi, slow service. Brandon's treat. He came close to elbowing me out of the way when I took out my purse near the cashier.

Then, we went to watch 21 (also Brandon's treat). There was this crazy Malay chick sitting right next to me who kept talking loudly, not even bothering to whisper. She felt the need to read out the subtitles, ask "Sape nih?" every time a new character appeared and was the only contestant on "Who Can Guess the Next Line?" gameshow.

First of all, 'cik adik', SHUT UP. Secondly, I would gladly tell you who the hell "Sape nih?" is if you would let me watch in peace. I was so irritated with her, but I held in my fury until halfway through the movie, when I was almost blacking out from the mere sound of her voice.

So I leaned over and whispered, "Excuse me, can you please try to be quiet?"

And the brightest light-bulb in the room replied loudly, "Oh, upstairs".

Dumbfounded, I asked, "What?"

Dimwit said, "Toilet, right? Upstairs."

By now, I didn't even bother to be civil, "No, I said, "Be. Quiet.'"

"Oh."

I was finally able to hear again. Aaaah, bliss. For all of 2 minutes.

This time, I didn't even bother.

I was glad when the movie was over. Jim Sturgess is cute but I was in the process of developing chronic tinnitus. Brandon and I went to McDonald's for a sundae and to talk for a bit before leaving.

Thanks, Brandon, it was fun (despite unwanted external factors)!

Tuesday

Yesterday was Tasha's birthday. I had to drive to college carefully (like I usually do, haha) because I didn't want to ruin her present. Loga, Muaz and I got this for her:


Ferrero Rocher and Hershey's Kisses Bouquet

Card

I was so afraid that Tasha would hate me forever because she had specifically demanded for a Toyota Harrier and an all-expense-paid trip to catch Coldplay live in UK. But I had hoped that a bouquet and card handmade from scratch with love would make it up to her. It did not. Her first reaction was to laugh at it and say that it's supposed to be from a boy. *tears forming in my eyes*

After class, we went to TGI Friday's in One Utama for lunch. I drove Tasha, Muaz, Loga and Neera there. Sathen drove on his own.

But there was another surprise in store for Tasha. Trish and I have been planning to surprise her with a visit from Trish. Tasha just went berserk when she saw Trish stading at the entrance.

Tasha noted that I was the only Chinese oddball there. No wonder people always mistake me for being Chindian (*woot woot at Brandon and B-lan, and any other Chindian readers*).

After lunch, I had to send Neera to the Kelana Jaya LRT station. On the way, there was this gold (similar to being shit-coloured) Proton Wira that was driving in the middle of the road. At first I thought he was switching lanes but he was there in the middle like it's his grandfather's road.

PFK 2156: Fucker
I honked at him once, not even loudly, just to let him know he should pick a lane and stick to it. Then he came up from behind me and tail-gated me for a long time. Since he was trying to be funny, I slowed down.

Then, he swerved to the left and wanted to overtake me. At the speed I was going (and let's face it, a Wira is not the fastest car in the history of mankind), he was about 2 inches from swerving right into my car. I honked at him loudly this time. Before I turned off onto another road, I saw him tail-gating another black car. What are you trying to prove, man? Your dick is broken and you have mummy issues? We already know by looking at your stupid dyed-red hair, cheap sunglasses and lame car.

What a fuckwit. I have seen many inept drivers on the road but none can even rival this asshole (with the single exception of BGU 195). If you see this car parked somewhere, I hope you have a coin or key. Though, you know, I do not condone nor encourage vandalism, so this cannot be held as proof in court.

Today

I woke up thinking, "Heh, at least I won't be going to One Utama today".

I was wrong.

We went to have lunch at the yummiest banana leaf rice ever, called Sri Paandi, if I'm not mistaken (we call it Pan-dy's, because we're so cool). Tasha decided to bestow upon me the title of 'Honorary Indian'. I suppose it does seem pretty apt, seeing that I am dating an Indian guy, my bestie is an Indian and I am always with Loga and Tasha in college.

I know some Tamil phrases too, from my education in my primary school bus (I was also one of the VERY few Chinese). "Wo-le-po" means "go in". "Tang-ga-chi" means "sister". "Wo-le-po, tang-ga-chi" means "Go in, sister". I also know "dei", "macha", "une" and "rende". I think I have always been destined for a life of linguistic genius.

Anyway, after Paandi's (where Loga forbade Tasha to call her Pandi), we went to One Utama because Loga wanted to buy some clothes. So there I was again. For the fifth day in a row.

Different Similarities

He and I pretty much have nothing in common.

So, when a motorcyclist dangerously cut across the road about 5 inches in front of his speeding car, and we both made disapproving sounds, I did a mental cartwheel. I thought I had finally found something we had in common: a shared hatred for motorcyclists.

Then...

B: Look at that stupid fella. He's wearing slippers!

Maybe they put something in Italian water. Like aliens.

Road Bully: BGU 195

BGU 195

Traffic offenders are defined as traffic that offends me. From now on, I will be keeping track of people who piss me off on the road on my blog so that when I become Prime Minister of the world, a record number of people will be sentenced to life imprisonment.

Oh my god. It's 9 a.m. An insane hour to be awake. And to be blogging, for that matter.

But if I don't let my anger pour out like red-hot lava, I'm going to rupture a major blood vessel.

I drove my brother to college this morning, as I usually do every weekday.

To get to college, there is a busy intersection, as demonstrated in the picture below:




Those of you familiar with my college would most likely know this intersection.

The black rectangle represents my car.

The silver rectangle represents Mr Road Bully's car.

The green rectangles represent other cars that were coming from the opposite direction, including one that was turning out from the petrol station.

The red rectangle represents a car that tried to cut across the road.

The arrows show where we were trying to turn.

Okay. Here's the deal. The red car was already waiting when I drove up to the junction. There was a constant flow of traffic coming from the opposite direction (as is usually the case because that intersection is almost always busy). I waited and waited, but the traffic coming from the opposite direction did not slow down.

Now, I'm familiar with the area and I know there is a traffic light down the road, so I figured it wouldn't be long before the traffic light turns red and fewer cars would be heading this way.

Then suddenly, the silver car behind me (BGU 195) started to honk. Not just once. But repeatedly. Many, many times. Like 'PEET PEEEEEEEET PEET PEET PEET PEET' multiplied by one million. Several cars from the opposite direction even slowed down to watch because this stupid guy was making such a commotion; which if you think about it, was pretty ironic because Honkypants actually delayed us.

I was dumbfounded. Was this guy so idiotic and blind that he can't see the traffic of oncoming cars? If he was in my position, would he have risked multiple head injuries, a broken spleen and permanent brain damage just because he couldn't wait for a few seconds longer?

He was SO bloody rude! I mean, sometimes I get impatient with some slowpokes as well, but I don't go to the extent of honking at them, especially not multiple times attempting to break the sound barrier. And I'm a P-driver, man. If chivalry wasn't dead yesterday, he sure took care of it this morning.

Here, I must note that even if the traffic had cleared a bit, I would still have motioned to the driver of the red car to go first. Come on, he was there before me, so if you think you've been waiting for a long time, then the red car certainly has been there longer. It's common courtesy.

I may or may not have made a friendly gesture with a certain finger, but only after I was honked at so loudly that half the population of New Zealand called the police.

Finally, I managed to turn. I looked in the rearview mirror and Superman was still stuck at the junction. Eh? How come? I thought you don't have to wait for other cars? Just force your way through-lah (which was probably how he fathered the child because no woman - however desperate, vulnerable, drunk or all of the above - would willingly be part of this lunatic's life).

I mean, my God, what was the rush, man? The earliest classes usually starts at 8 a.m. and my brother was nowhere near late, so his daughter sure as hell wasn't either. And his daughter was sitting in the backseat. It could be because he doesn't even know enough manners to pass them off to his offspring or his driving is so bad that her life is at stake. Either way, it reflects on him as a man.

Patience is a virtue. After that, Manopause Boy was like, trying to scare me in his tiny little silver car (whatever myth there is about men's cars being in indirect proportions to their package size is thus proven to be false).

Hah. Malaysian male drivers. Petty and obnoxious. And don't even get me started on the kind of men who zoom faster when I try to cut into their lane to get on the highway.

I Am Legend

I was at One Utama with AT and EC today (as mentioned in my previous post, these two prefer to remain anonymous because what I might reveal about them would result in confinement to padded cells).

I drove us there. We were having trouble finding a parking spot and I followed these two guys for about 10 minutes only to realize they parked in the clamping zone. What a waste of youth. Then I followed a couple for a while, only to see a dark green (the colour of mold, moldy faeces, nose boogies, vomit and all things pretty) Mercedes trying to steal my spot. Ignoring the fact that the Mercedes is coming from the wrong direction on a one-way aisle, I still came first (seeing as I followed the couple and had my signal on the entire way) while he just stopped and waited there like a vulture. The couple walked to a car behind where he was waiting (without any signal) and I zoomed in for the kill. The stupid man glared and made some stupid sign at me (repeatedly pointing to his head, probably attempting to tell me, "Here, see? It's really hollow, I'm not lying!").

Uncle ah, point point apasal? I still got the parking spot, dumb ass! Point lah, point some more.
Your car signal is there for a reason. Don't think your Mercedes can intimidate my Proton. My having a shitty car means I would hesitate less to ram it into your car. Or you know, your face. Chivalry; ever heard of it, you uneducated, narrow-minded dimwit using up more oxygen than you're worth?

We had lunch at Sushigroove, where I had trouble ordering because I wanted no. 69, a yaki-something bibimbab, which was basically rice, with beef and an egg. My options were to: do the tongue-twister and risk pronouncing it wrongly OR say, "I'd like a 69 please". We resorted to pointing, which works just as well, since a table of mute people are more likely to get a discount for disabled (or the politically correct terms, "differently abled" and "physically challenged") people (or the politically correct terms "human beings" and "not monkey").

Then we decided to watch 'I Am Legend':




Dr. Robert Neville lives alone (except for his dog, Sam) for 3 years believing he's the only survivor of an infection caused by a supposed viral cure for cancer. He is somehow immune to the virus and has been working on a serum to reverse its effects. He locks himself in his house at night because that's when the mutants come out to look for food (UV light has an adverse effect on their skin). When Sam dies, he gets very angry and decides to stay out after dusk to seek revenge (in a "DIE, MOTHERFUCKERS, DIE!!!" sort of way). He is outnumbered and almost dies but is rescued by Anna and Ethan. He realizes he's not the only survivor.

Anna wants to go to Vermont where apparently, 'God' has told her the survivors were. Dr. Neville's house is invaded by all the mutants and they wouldn't give up, continuously ramming against the Plexiglass. He realizes he has found the cure and gives it to Anna and Ethan, sacrificing himself by setting off a bomb to kill all the mutants. Anna and Ethan drive up to Vermont and give the cure to all the survivors. Viva la revolucion?

Will Smith is a great actor, possibly even my favourite. He managed to potray every emotion to perfection, almost yanking my heart out in the scene where he had to kill Sam, his only companion, because she got infected (while fighting off some mutant dogs that tried to eat him). Without Will Smith playing the lead character, this movie would've lacked depth and be full of fake Hollywood facial expressions (think of Paris Hilton's acting). And let's not forget the body... Yum.

I really like the realistic effects of the desolate city (I think it's Manhattan, but I'm not sure). The mutants were really gross, which were wicked awesome! Bald (follicularly challenged) and disgustingly ugly (aesthetically challenged). The sound effects were pretty good too. The three of us were cowering in our seats, constantly jumping at any sudden movements. I also liked the special touch that talking to mannequins added. It brought a whole new unexplored dimension to isolation and loneliness.

However, it did make me wonder: where did the petrol come from? I mean, there's only so much you can get from each gas station if everyone's too dead/mutated to deliver petrol, right? Plus, electricity is not automatically generated. People need to be running the controlling systems and handle general maintenance, which they can't do when they are rabid. And did he have to hunt deer/elk/thingamajiggies? He could have tried to get some chickens and let them breed right? Then he'd be able to eat (non-powdered) eggs and chicken; kill two birds with one stone (pun intended). And how come the mutants can climb and jump like that? They can die from bullet wounds but not from repeatedly ramming head-first into Plexiglass? Hell-o?

Plus, did he really have to sacrifice himself? If the shelter was strong enough to protect Anna and Ethan from the bomb blast, it could very well have protected the three of them from the mutants. Otherwise, he could have gone into the shelter and stuck his arm out to throw the bomb. It's better to lose your arm than lose your life. AT and EC reckoned that he would have bled to death, but hey, Anna knows how to sew people back together right?

I really didn't like the ending. Anna could have entered the fort in Vermont and then the camera goes for a close-up of her bleeding gums, red eyes and clumps of hair falling out. Meaning there is no such thing as being immune. Or, it could have ended with the entire screen turning white when the mutant attacks him and echoes of his own voice shouting "There is no God", then the fast whooshing sound of air as if he's falling fast and the screen turning black. Methaphorically, it means he died, went to heaven and then hell. Then in 'I Am Legend 2', he gets resurrected by a group of scientists, which all look like mutants but behave normally and not psycho. Or the virus mutates and is able to infect those previously immune and Dr. Neville has to watch everyone die again while mysteriously still being immune and struggling against all adversities to find out why he is the only one immune to this strain of virus.

I don't know how many people noticed this, but look closely for the Batman/Superman logo hybrid. And was it just me or did Dr. Neville say "Every single person that you or I has ever known is dead! Dead!" You or I HAVE, right? Not has? Tell me I'm right because I can't believe that no one on the production team noticed it. Them Americans, heh.

Besides...if Anna can talk to God, they should have made a movie about HER instead.